Esther's Story

This is not my story.

It was in the first quarter of this year when a friend of mine opened up to me about how she reconciled her faith with her mental health issues. I never would have known nor would I have suspected had she not told me. But she said her story to me in such a beautiful way that I asked if she was willing to share it because I felt that it could minister to others too. After almost  6 months of praying about it, here it is. 

We both decided to keep her identity a secret so she could talk about it more freely, but she did say I could call her "Esther," thus the title. We do not go to the same church, but we have been each other's prayer warriors for a while now and it is with great care that I share this with you. All I ask is that you read it with an open mind and a kind heart. 

Everything after this sentence has been written by her and in no way did I alter or change anything.

FAITH AND MENTAL HEALTH

I am a Christian. I know that I should not be anxious about anything (Philippians4:6) and the Lord saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18), but I take medicines for anxiety and depression.

Since I was a teenager, I struggled with insomnia and I would stay up until the wee hours of the morning with my mind racing about different things. There were times I experienced panic attacks. I’ve also felt constantly guilty and empty. Whenever something wonderful happened, I would feel elated for a while then worry that something bad might happen next. I didn’t understand why I was always feeling empty. I thought that once a person receives Jesus Christ as Savior and surrenders to His lordship, emptiness in one’s life will be gone. I wondered why Jesus did not fill the emptiness in my soul. All these years, I thought that I have opened a door to the enemy because of a sin issue so maybe I was oppressed. Or maybe somebody cursed me or there is a generational curse in my family. I prayed and prayed. Nothing changed.

Few years ago, I started having palpitations and severe chronic pain all over my body. I consulted different doctors and underwent several tests. I was given medicines for pain management, but they didn’t deal with the root cause of my health problem. I prayed persistently and searched for answers. There were times I felt so drained and desperate. But although I had no clear answer at that time, I know that Jesus is my hope and sure foundation. I held on to that hope. I recognized the voice of the enemy telling me to kill myself to end all the physical and emotional pain, but I fear God and didn’t want to meet my Creator after having committed the ultimate violation of His image through suicide. I am not judging those who committed suicide but as for me, I did not want to take the risk. My eternal salvation is too precious to gamble. The expectation of Heaven – where there is neither sorrow nor agony – motivated me to never give up. I reminded myself that someday I will have my perfect peace if I don’t lose heart. I thank the Holy Spirit that He always rescued me from the deceptions of the enemy.

Despite my struggles, instead of receiving full emotional support from my family, I felt condemned by them. I was told by family members that I am weak, that I don’t exercise my faith, and that other people are in a more dire situation. God knows how I have prayed so persistently, cried countless times that He would take away my suffering and heal me or give me a miracle, and never gave up my hope in Christ. If that’s not faith, then what is. I am grateful that the Lord did not allow me to invalidate my feelings and struggles even though others do not understand them. I was hurt. But I chose to forgive and allow God to shed light on my circumstances.

After more than a year of treatment, my neurologist thought of switching my medications. She said that perhaps I was stressed and there is chemical imbalance in my brain so I should take medicines for anxiety and depression. She also suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I was hesitant to go to a psychiatrist at first. I mean, can’t God, the all-powerful One, just heal me? Am I crazy or something? What about the stigma about mental issues? And then I discovered that Charles Spurgeon, a great man of God from the 1800s, had a lifelong battle with physical pain and depression. I had to deal with my denial.

When I was prescribed medicines for anxiety and depression, my family became open-minded and more understanding. Praise God! After months of seeking the Lord, and praying for an opportunity (Psychiatrists are always fully booked, I had to wait months for an appointment) and the right doctor, I was able to consult a psychiatrist. The checkup didn’t feel weird at all. It was like talking to a non-judgmental friend who knows what you’re going through. She confirmed what my neurologist told me. I was also able to tell her about my traumatic experiences which included molestation when I was just six years old, harassment, and verbal abuse in a relationship when I was a teenager. I asked if those experiences could be causing my mental issues although I do not think about them or feel any unpleasant emotion anymore in the times that I remembered them. After all, I have forgiven those who have wronged me and know that God gives beauty for ashes. She did not give me a definite answer, but she told me that she was pleasantly surprised that I did not resort to the use of illegal drugs or become pariwara. God has kept me all these years.

My mood and over-all health are better now, I have a renewed interest in activities I once enjoyed, and I can think more clearly. I understand now that my struggle is not a purely spiritual issue. Yes, God dealt with my heart. I did not neglect my spiritual life – I read the Bible and devotionals, prayed everyday, went to church regularly, sought the counsel of pastors, and asked for prayers from family and friends in faith. But I needed medicines for mental health just like one needs medicines if he has a severe headache, or diabetes, or high blood pressure, or cancer.

From my experience, mental health issue is uniquely difficult for Christians. I know that there are many Christians who are suffering in silence. I believe that in some cases mental health is a spiritual issue, but in certain instances it can also be a medical problem. It is my hope and prayer that as Christians (whether you’re the one suffering from depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, or you know someone with a mental condition), we become more discerning as to how to deal with this tension. Tim Keller (American pastor, theologian, and Christian apologist) correctly pointed out that we cannot fall into the reductionism of believing all problems are simply a matter of lacking spiritual disciplines, the same way that we can't fall into the simplistic conclusion that all problems are chemically based and require medication. Surely there is an expectation because of God’s promises in the Bible and we should never ever lose sight of those truths, but let us not over-spiritualize things. Let us not blame or judge people for their condition, and may we, like Jesus who combatted the stigma (of leprosy, of being a Samaritan, among other things) in His day, extend grace to others and be the Body of Christ that God has called us to be. The Church is a place of healing for the broken and an oasis of compassion for the stigmatized.

If you are depressed or have some other mental condition, please do not allow that illness to define you. You are God’s son/daughter, co-heir with Christ. While we live in a broken world, always remember that God is good and He is sovereign. Our hope is Jesus Himself who promised to never forsake us. Seek professional help and support of family and friends. I am certain that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) and nothing can ever separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:31-39). This light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Corinthians 4:16-17). May the Lord Jesus reassemble life’s shards into a wholeness and steadfastness that ultimately come from Him!


Image by Adam Cybulski from Unsplash