DAY 10: An Unexplainable Peace in A Season of Grief

 

DAY 10

Reflections on Ephesians: DAY 1/ DAY 2 / DAY 3 / DAY 4 / DAY 5 / DAY 6

Reflections on Philippians: DAY 7 / DAY 8 / DAY 9

Worship Meditation: Be Still My Soul (In You I Rest) by Kari Jobe, Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus by Lauran Daigle, Joy of My Desire by Randy Rothwell

Reading: Philippians 4

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

I have experienced the peace of God which surpasses all understanding. I vouch with my life that this kind of peace exists, this kind of peace is real, and this kind of peace is achievable.  

I will share this in my testimony in a little bit. But before that, let me give a quick sidenote/fangirl commentary / "napakaganda ng pelikula panuorin ninyo" moment about Philippians 4.

Philippians 4 is home to many life verses that I know many Christians all over the world cling to. Philippians 4:6-7 included. So let me give a quick shoutout to all the other amazing verses on this superstar of a chapter right here:

Philippians 4:4 - Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 

Philippians 4:8 - Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Para sa mga Marites, making!)

Philippians 4:12 - I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (And the secret is in verse 13)

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Most famous, especially for students during exams week - aminiiiin!) 

Philippians 4:19 - And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  (ayan lalo na pag bayaran na ng tuition)

Philippians 4 is such a happy chapter and if you have not read it yet, I urge you to stop what you are doing right now and give it a read. Go! Reading Philippians, in general, feels like drinking a mug of hot chocolate on a stormy day. It feels like going through the happy ending of a movie, except when you really think about it ~ he is still in prison, probably awaiting death, and yet, you feel his joy transcend through the words that he writes. And this joy is real and genuine. Despite of and in spite of the dark situation that he actually is in.

This now brings me to my testimony. 

When I woke up this morning, I felt that God wanted me to go back to the time when my dad died. It's not a place in my life that I want to keep going back to, but I knew that He wanted me to for the purpose of this devotion. So I trusted Him knowing that Jesus is the Prince of Peace. In my worship, I was led to three songs - the one I heard for the first time just today (the one by Kari Jobe), the next one was my anthem during my mourning season, and the third one ~ this one brought me to tears. 

My dad died on a Saturday somewhere near 12mn, but my sister, brother, and I waited until 4am of Sunday to confirm it. Something about him being revived made us hope for the better. And that even if he died, you best believe we prayed hard for a resurrection. I will forever remember that Saturday, September 12 11pm, to Sunday September 13, 4am to be the worst night of my life. 

My mom could not talk to us, so Fr. Jun was the one who broke the news to me. He said that I had to be the one to tell his family in Manila who was also eagerly waiting for news. 

The lockdowns kept all of us separated. My mom was in Aklan. My brother was in UK, My sister and I were in Cebu. And my titas were in Manila. They said misery loves company, but at that moment, there was no one else. We were all left to our own miseries processing the unexpected and shocking death of my dad. 

My sister plays the piano in our Cebu church so we took what little sleep we could and prepared to go to mass. Then at 10am, just before the praise and worship, we received a text that our dad was going to be cremated in Iloilo that day. 

There was absolutely no way anymore that we could see his physical body. No way to say goodbye. 

I then saw my sister slumped by the piano crying as his boyfriend tried to comfort her. I looked up and said, "This is it, Lord. I need You big time." By the time we were doing the praise and worship, they sang the song Joy of My Desire. It had lyrics that went: "There will never be a friend, as dear to me as You."

It was in that song that I had to tell God, "Lord, I am not mad at You. I am not angry at You. I want You to know that. Be my friend right now. There is no one else. There is no one else. I need You to be my friend right now. So I will not be angry at You. Instead, I will take my grief to You. I know You love my dad. I know You did not let him suffer. I know all these happened in Your love and sovereignty. So just please be my friend. I need You to be my friend right now." (Man, tears are just falling right now as I type this. That was such a crucial moment in my healing and I'm grateful that I declared that early on in my grief.)

The days after that were very clear to me. We had to figure out our papers so that we could travel. Kalibo wouldn't let anyone come in that time for the next two weeks because of strict lockdowns so we had to wait. My mom was in quarantine. So were our other priests and other members of the church. And then the fake news started coming. I couldn't believe that in the midst of all that, we had to deal with some nonsense that this radio station and some (ahem) local government officials were saying about our dad and our church. It was just too much.

So I went to my prayer closet and asked God for two very specific things. I remembered that my dad *never* panics. He is always steady, always calm. So the first thing I prayed for was to have a heart like his. The second one I prayed for, was the peace He promised in Philippians 4:7 - the peace that surpasses all understanding that will guard my heart and my mind. I asked it with all the faith I could muster, and I kid you not, immediately after that, I knew something changed in me. 

There was a lifting of sorts. A quiet calm that allowed me to function. I did not take a bereavement leave, I continued to work and take care of what needed taking care of. But the other things were just falling into place. Remember Philippians 4:19, and my God shall supply all our needs?

From the day news came out that my dad died, the food just kept coming. I never had to cook breakfast, lunch, or dinner for 1 to 2 weeks. The refrigerator that we've been trying to get for months arrived on the day dad died so we had space for all the food that kept coming. And omg were they good food - Korean, Filipino, 1 Liter Milk Teas, Champorado, even my boss' mom's homecooked meal, etc etc etc. Then there were financial blessings - even financial blessings specifically given to make us buy "anything that would make us happy" - you best believe we used that "happy money" to shop in Uniqlo. Hahaha

There was joy, there was so much love, there was a lightness of feeling - things that defied our present reality. The days just kept getting worse as we had to start praying for church family who had to fight for their lives, adding to that was the volatile pandemic situation that kept delaying our trip home. But despite all that, there was that unexplainable peace. 

The peace that surpasses all understanding. The peace that defies logic. The peace that can only come from the Prince of Peace Himself. Not as the world gives, but as Jesus gives. (John 14:27)

I grieved. I mourned. I cried. I missed my dad a lot. I still do all of those things until now. But not out of despair or hopelessness but out of love. 

I want you to know that this peace exists. It is very real and alive to me, and I know that if you ask God for it, by faith you will receive it. He will give it to you. Maybe it will not erase the pain, or change the situation immediately, but that is why it is called unexplainable. A peace you can never explain. That's the one that comes from God.

PRAYER: Father God, thank You that You are good, You are sovereign, You are in control. I pray for a release of peace that surpasses all understanding to everyone reading this and asking for it. Give them the faith to believe that it is possible. May they have a beautiful encounter with Jesus the Prince of Peace. Make them see and feel that You are Lord over their troubles, heartaches, grief, anxiety, depression. I pray that You will give them relief and release as they continue to draw near to You and cast all their burdens upon You. We love You, Lord!!!  Nothing and no one will ever compare to the peace, love, and joy that only You can give. Thank You for giving it to those who ask for it. Amen. 

BONUS SA MGA MAY TIME, MY GRIEF JOURNAL ENTRIES THAT TIME VIA IG STORIES: